Monday, December 26, 2011

FAQs - The Most Useful Part of Any Website

In order to explain the purpose of this blog, I've decided to start with a Frequently Asked Questions segment. With the exception of the first question, this is also a conversation that I have had on literally every first date I have ever been on, as well as with anyone who has ever tried to cook for me or go to a restaurant with me, especially at lunch time.


Q: What is a latch-key kid?
A: A latch-key kid is a kid (usually in later elementary school) who had his own key to let himself into his house after school while his parents were still at work. These are the kids for whom Easy-Mac was invented. Generally, it denotes a lack of parental oversight, particularly in the realm of after school snacking. In my case, it denotes a lack of acting like an adult when making meal choices, because I'm really picky.

Q: Like how picky? What don't you eat?
A: Sandwiches, salads, tomatoes, eggs, and most savory cold foods. I do, however, eat sushi. Okay, I eat California rolls. Close enough.

Q: Sandwiches? Really? What about a "really good sandwich"? (I put "really good sandwich" in quotation marks, because I deny their existence)
A: All sandwiches, anything between bread really. It is not a presentation of food that I enjoy.

Q: So you don't eat hamburgers?
A: No.

Q: Burritos?
A: Nope.

Q: Do you like bread?
A: Yes.

Q: Just nothing between the bread?
A: You got it.

Q: What about butter or jelly on bread?
A: I like that.

Q: Okay, now what if there was butter on a piece of bread, and then you put another piece of bread on top of it. Would you eat that?
A: I would never do that.

Q: But would you eat it?
A: It's an irrelevant question. I would never do that.

Q: What if an evil villain is threatening to kill you unless you eat it? or
What if you're starving to death? Would you eat it then?
A: Again, most likely never going to happen, but I would probably just take the two piece of bread apart while no one was looking and eat it that way.

Q: Why don't you like sandwiches?
A: I really don't know.
Author's note: I have been asked this question, not exaggerating, millions of times. I still don't have a good answer that makes sense to anyone. The closest I've gotten to answering it is to tell people, "if sandwiches are allowed to be some people's favorite food, then they're allowed to be my least favorite food." It's not a very satisfying answer, I know. I'm sorry.

Q: Damn, that's weird.
A: That's not a question.

Q: Okay, so what do you like?
A: Candy, junk food in general, anything fried, "meat and potatoes" in pretty much any form (from filet mingoin and truffle mashed potatoes to chicken nuggets and fries), Italian food (without tomatoes), most Asian food, and alcohol.

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